A Server Should Earn Their Tip By Putting Up With How Horrible I Am

By Barry M. Possible

Our neighborhood restaurant has finally reversed its decision to automatically include gratuity on the bill. It's about time. I've always maintained that a server should earn their tip by putting up with how absolutely horrible I am. 

Several years ago, the decision to automatically include gratuity on the bill was made in an effort to pay the restaurant staff a living wage. This doesn't matter to me, as I don't work at this restaurant. What's important to me is being able to tip the server a percentage of the bill that is based entirely on their ability to meet my impossible expectations. 

With this in mind, I’ve developed a handy little equation for determining the percentage of gratuity. I call it The Sociopath's Theorem. Here's how it works. 

I start at 18 percent. What can I say, I'm a generous guy. I deduct a percentage point for every minute I have to wait before the server arrives at my table for the first time, regardless of how busy the restaurant is. 

When my drink arrives, I deduct another percentage point if it's not prepared exactly how I like it. Spoiler alert: it won’t be, because, as I've already mentioned, my expectations are impossible.

When it comes to the meal, I will deviate from the menu. That's a given. When my food arrives, I will send some part of the meal back to be prepared again. That's just how I roll. It makes me feel superior to the staff at the restaurant. And let's be honest, this has never been about the quality of the meal, but about the amount of power I feel. And I want all the power.

But I digress. When the meal inevitably fails to meet my expectations in one way or another, I deduct yet another percentage point from the gratuity. And that's how I arrive at the final percentage. 

So there you have it. A server must always earn their gratuity by putting up with how downright awful I am. I have to say, it feels good to have the power back in my hands where it belongs.