The Ten Plagues of Brandermill

Decades ago, the Ten Plagues of Brandermill were inflicted by God upon our irreverent community for continued disobedience of the HOA covenants. Below you will find a summary of each plague, as outlined in the ancient Book of Brandermill.

1. Pollen Clouds

Each spring, God sends thick clouds of pollen to envelope the neighborhood and its residents. “He laughs at those who attempt to avoid His wrath by taking Claritin, eating local honey, or rinsing their sinuses with a saline solution,” state the ancient texts.

2. The Chesterfield Observer, Print Edition

Throughout the ages, the God of Brandermill has scattered thousands of copies of the Chesterfield Observer upon the neighborhood. Print, it seems, is not dead after all. “The copies shall be as plentiful as the stars in the sky,” quote the Lord.

3. Leaves

In the fall, our vengeful God releases the leaves from the trees. The Lord laughs deeply when his servants attempt to stay ahead of the onslaught with paltry utensils such as rakes, leaf bags, and electric blowers. “Only a gas-powered backpack blower and a valiant heart can defeat the relentless storm.”

4. Wood roaches

There is nothing that screams “Old Testament” like a plague of insects. While this isn’t God’s most creative work, it’s certainly his most persistent. God chuckles to himself when you turn on your bedroom light only to find a wood roach perched on the ceiling above your bed, just out of reach.

5. Pest Control Salespeople

As Isaac begat Jacob, so woodroaches begat another neighborhood nuisance: the pest control salesperson. “God hath equipped these chipper individuals with technology such as iPads, GPS, and hoverboards.”

6. Virginia Green lawn signs

Just as you were becoming comfortable with the fact that you hadn’t touched your lawn since the Clinton administration, your neighbor hired Virginia Green to establish grass and make you feel insecure. “A sign shall appear on their lawn, and it shall bear the image of a dog, and all other lawns shall tremble at its sight.”

7. Karens

Most Karens aren’t named Karen, and many Karens aren’t even women. Dudes can be Karens, too. As written in the ancient texts, “God will release His Karens upon social media to express alarm over gunshots (fireworks), suspicious individuals (people exercising), and aggressive (enthusiastic) dogs.”

8. Pool Closures

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. How about spending a lovely summer afternoon at the pool? Nope! Turns out it’s closed for emergency maintenance. And we all know what that’s code for. “You shall desire the cool waters with all your heart, but the waters shall be eternally out of your reach.”

9. Inconsistent Trash Service

You’ve heard it said that we make plans, and God laughs. You thought you had a plan for trash pickup, but that plan went out the window a long time ago. “And the trash shall be piled as high as the mountains, and you shall be forced to travel to the convenience station, which is ironically not very convenient,” saith the Lord.

10. Shrink-Swell Soil

It’s a pity that your homeowners insurance doesn’t cover acts of God. “And the ground shall shrink and swell under their feet, and their foundations shall heave and crack, and they shall be poor and destitute,” quote the Lord.