Local Man Celebrates 91st Birthday Despite Having Never Done CrossFit

Local great-grandfather Charles Elderberry celebrated his 91st birthday on Saturday despite having never done CrossFit.

While popular opinion holds that one must participate in CrossFit in order to achieve long life, Mr. Elderberry has stood the test of time without ever stepping foot in a CrossFit gym. In fact, sources confirmed he has never even heard of CrossFit.

Certainly, then, he must drink a breakfast smoothie every morning? It turns out, Mr. Elderberry has never consumed a smoothie for breakfast or any meal. When I asked him if he’d ever tried kombucha, he looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language. “Kom-whatcha?” he said with a confused look.

As I interviewed Mr. Elderberry at his home in Chesterfield County, I thought for certain I would find a Peloton, Bowflex, or elliptical machine. I found no such device.

Intermittent fasting? Never heard of it. Kale? Not interested. Ancient grains? High intensity interval training? Meditation? Nope, nope, and heck nope.

Completely dismayed, I finally decided to ask Mr. Elderberry his secret to long life. “I don’t know. I don’t smoke, I stay active, and I try to stay positive. The rest is just dumb luck.”

This is a developing story.