Brandermill Mathematician Develops Algorithm to Predict Date of Next Powell's Trash Service

Local mathematician Long D. Vishun has developed a complex algorithm to predict the date of the next Powell's trash service. The method takes into account the position of the Earth, the phase of the Moon, migratory bird patterns, and countless other scientific factors.

Brandermill residents have struggled to predict the date of Powell's trash service for years. Brandermill Living magazine placed Powell's trash service schedule as number three on its list of the neighborhood's greatest mysteries. There are unconfirmed reports that resident Connie Gambler once accurately guessed the date of Powell's trash service, though these claims have not been substantiated.

We asked Long why he thinks the date is so difficult to predict. "A common mistake is using the ecclesiastical calendar rather than the astronomical calendar. That's going to throw off the entire system," chuckled Long.

There's also a phenomenon Long refers to as "The Greg Factor." A series of IF/THEN/ELSE steps in the algorithm are based around a Powell's employee, Greg Fickle. For example, one step reads, "IF Greg got to bed before midnight, THEN subtract one calendar day, ELSE add one day." Another step reads, "IF Greg argued with his girlfriend this morning, THEN add one calendar day, ELSE subtract two days."

What’s next for Long? “I hope to develop a similar system for Boyd’s Disposal, though to be honest, I’m not sure I’m up to the task.”