Brandermill Dad Declares War on Leaves

Claiming that all other options had been exhausted on Wednesday afternoon, area dad Timothy Autumn has officially declared war on leaves.

As the first leaves began falling early last week, Mr. Autumn grew concerned for the health of his recently established grass. “This aggression will not stand,” Mr. Autumn stated during a press conference he called at his Quail Hill residence on Wednesday.

Before stepping outside to face the falling leaves head-on, Mr. Autumn told his wife and children that he loved and cared for them very deeply. He asked his family to “keep calm and carry on” during his absence, and assured them that he would do everything in his power to keep their home safe from the barrage of falling leaves.

As Mr. Autumn readied his backpack leaf blower and ear protection, his wife could hear him muttering to himself, “This is my blower. There are many blowers like it but this one is mine.”

As he pulled the cord on his leaf blower and the engine roared to life, he could be heard saying, “We shall fight in the lawn, we shall fight in the mulch beds, we shall fight in the driveway, we shall fight on the patio, we shall never surrender." Marching fearlessly into the flurry of falling leaves, he went on to say, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

After a long, hard battle, Mr. Autumn threw open the front door to his home and confidently stated, “Mission accomplished!” Later, he clarified that though he won a decisive victory on the battlefield, it is in fact only the first week of November, and the war has just begun.