BCA Asks Residents to Assume Pools Closed Unless Told Otherwise

The Brandermill Community Association has asked residents to assume that all pools are closed for emergency maintenance at all times, unless told otherwise.

“Due to frequent emergency maintenance closures, the BCA has found that it is in everyone’s best interest to assume that all pools are closed at all times. Residents will be notified by email in the off-chance that the pools are open during their regularly scheduled hours,” a spokesperson for the BCA reported on Monday.

“To put it plainly, more often than not, there is poop in the pool. We’re going to take the approach of telling you when there’s NOT poop in the pool.”

The BCA is confident that this new policy will be easier on staff and residents alike. “We want you to assume the worst at all times. We’ve found that we can maximize resident satisfaction by setting expectations as low as possible.”

The staff and friends of the Beacon would like to thank the real heroes of this story, the Brandermill lifeguards. We can assure you that whatever they’re paid, it’s not enough.